Season’s Greetings (aka: Liz is alive and well).
Ah, yes. I venture back to my blog for the first time since September as I’ve just finished Kingdom of Ash and am wrought with feelings (very good and fuzzy ones). I don’t have the emotional capacity to create any art for it. I straight up can’t handle that—and for once, don’t feel the need to compensate for a final book in a series! Like it was that good.
Anyway.
I reckon not many folks will care to read this, but for those of you lovely followers of mine who do: I hope everyone is doing well in their lives. I hope you’re finding some joy and relief off of this website, as I’ve been doing. And that you are surrounded by love and support over the holiday, or find strength in being somewhat on your own.
Did I mention I fell very, very hard for BTS in September? Cause I did. Lifesavers, honestly. God bless those guys.
I’m still working away at art, still writing and mentally recovering after my wreck in August. Still not great driving. But I’m working on it. It’s been the best and worst year of my life. More the former, really.
I love you guys very much. Please be well going into the new year!
All of my love,
Liz.xx
Life Update: A month without Tumblr.
Hello all,
Yes, I did it. Not sure how I did it, but I’ve managed to stay 98% disengaged with my blog/the website for the first and only time in five and a half years of running it.
Whether or not that time off contributed to the really harrowing traumatizing car accident I had two weeks ago is debatable.
I should add that I’m perfectly fine—physically anyway—as is the other party. The circumstances were nothing short of miraculous; if pretty much any factor of it—the speed I was going, the angle I hit them at—had been a fraction more or less, it could have been very, very bad for one or both of us. The front of my car was gone? Like. Like.
Feeling death high five you (violently) throws some things into perspective. It made me feel a lot of things in the following days and weeks, a lot of anger and confusion and relief—and mild shock at how much my life has apparently touched some people’s.
I’m still dealing with many of the issues I had Pre-Hiatus, many of which were sowed by my dependence on this website. I certainly haven’t quit social media/the Internet altogether, and don’t feel like I need to entirely—though there are still things I need to let go of and replace with healthier alternatives.
It’s just been a very abruptly overwhelming couple weeks, dealing with the aftermath of the wreck and other Personal Stuff. But there’s been a lot of good in that time, too, such as the support I’ve found from my friends and family, many of whom are part of a church/ministry family. It doesn’t fix the fear, but it helps. So has busying myself with my schoolwork and artwork, which has developed some promising new motifs recently.
So yes, I am still here, and still believing in God, and still being my awkwardly-secular self in Godly settings. The most important thing (besides the first item on that list… and the second… hang on this isn’t that important, bud), is that I can survive (kind of; barely) without Tumblr! Without constant all-consuming fandom! I am an individual! Hot dang!
I’m not sure how often I’ll do these little update things, but I might try to make a habit of it, even though Lord knows it is the most boring content possible. But maybe that’s okay—because it’s still my content. And maybe I’ll return when my fandoms return (literally just The 100 and Sarah J. Maas tbh).
But right now, I’m gonna keep on spending my time working on this life of mine—and trying to appreciate every second.
Trying.
Thank you all for your continued support. I’m just a username to a lot of you, but turns out there’s a person behind those.
Much love,
- Liz.xx
hey guys—i’ve been on a hiatus and plan to continue that for a while, but wanted to let y’all know i was in a pretty serious car accident yesterday. thank God, both myself and the other party escaped unharmed, apart from some soreness. but it was a very scary experience and i would be grateful for your thoughts and prayers as i recover mentally, physically, and financially (i’m literally starting classes tomorrow, like wow great timing). but seriously—it was nothing short of a miracle that i wasn’t seriously hurt or killed. just wanted to share this news with you all and wish you a happy and safe semester/indeterminable period of time. love you guys.
So.
lizthefangirl:
I’ve had a good, long think about some things in my life, particularly how integral this blog has been to it for the past five years—and have finally come to understand what I’ve been running from for a while now:
I’m very dependent on it—too dependent on it.
When I say that, I mean all of the fandoms therein, the humor, the [often uhhh slightly biased] discourse… I can’t recall ever going over a week without engaging in my blog for five and-a-half years now. And I’m starting to get curious as to just how much time I’ve wasted, how much negativity I’ve been exposed to, how many addictions have been reinforced—and what exactly would happen if I gave that up for a bit.
In religious terms, it’s “fasting.” And I am religious. It’s something I very rarely directly discuss on here. In the past two years of college, I’ve gone from calling myself a Christian to actually investigating theology, having an incredible, unexpected, unconditionally loving family in Christ—and overall, having to face some really tough things about the way I’ve lived, and how unhealthy some of it was.
It’s so challenging, especially as an artist, to participate in a community where unbelief is sometimes still spiritual, where everything is questioned (which is actually a very good thing), where it’s often quite literally all about sex and money and yes—drugs and everything else. And where it’s essentially not quite normal to be what I’m trying to be. Yet, it’s not that I’ve met any hostility—seriously, people have been far more accepting then I anticipated. I’m determined to be loving in spite of it, to believe in the Gospel in spite of all of the flack people give it (to put it lightly), while still acknowledging the very human faults of many branches of the faith and doing my best to renounce them, and live a better way,
It’s still devastatingly difficult to constantly be surrounded by these groups of people though, though—even if it is a reflection of a lot of the world. But art is the industry I’ve always strived to be in, the skill I’ve been passionate about my whole life. I’m determined to come out of it successful and resilient in my faith—and maybe even earn respect in the process. I’m still learning, and being exposed to the world. It’s been a wild ride, certain to get wilder.
This kind of parallels the world of Tumblr. I follow a lot of people (they stack up over five years), and discourse that didn’t bother me years ago leaves me uncomfortable now. Things I used to indulge in that developed into a very personal, internalized addiction (which I’ve since finally sought some help for in trusted friends and mentors).
For a platform on which I’ve always thought I was being myself, I realize that I was being a version of myself that was, frankly, engulfed in sin. And that language makes me cringe a little bit, it really does. Because the negativity that has been associated to Christianity is something that weighs on me every single day, and I get it—you don’t know how much I get it. I have spent the past two years being a fish out of water, being the one who accidentally cusses during service (quite frequently), who cuts up. And I’ve questioned everything, I still do. But… it’s standing up to it. This God, this theology, these beliefs—nothing has managed to crack against my questions and doubts yet. And I’ve seen change, felt it. I travelled to another country and felt it more intensely then I ever have in America.
In the past couple years, I’ve separated from some of my closest friends—including my best friend of seven years. The principle reason was our divergent lifestyles. I have been shockingly better off since then.
If I can do that in my everyday life—with people I know and love—why is it so hard to do it to people I have never remotely known?
Why does that follower count matter to me so much? Why does pre-meditating everything I post, analyzing notes, seeking personal replies—why is that more important to me than doing my work? Forming relationships?
It’s a big, big question that I simply don’t know the answer to (okay, the answer is “because my ego” but i don’t wanna admit that so). But I’m asking it—and for once, that’s not all I’m doing.
I’m not happy on here anymore, not really. Like yes, I love these stories I’m so invested in. So much! And I’m not ashamed of that, or of anyone else who does. Even though some have… well, had negative effects. Do I have to go there? Read between the lines, y’all.
It’s just that everything I post—even my artwork—becomes a need for response, for validation. That’s what those notes are. They’re fleeting acknowledgement, and I feed on it. Creating fan art is a privilege—visually rendering the stories I read is a joy, and sharing it makes me so happy! But I have my own stories, too. And right now—I think I want to do something with that.
I’m just tired of constantly monitoring the numbers. I’m tired of encountering things that I don’t want to encounter every time I scroll down my dash. It’s going to be hard to separate myself from it—but I have to try.
As of right now, I’m going for 21 days. 21 days of not posting. Not reblogging. 21 days of not thirsting for notes. 21 days of getting ready to go back to college and eventually doing so, and seeing what else is out there besides this.
I do love you guys—the ones I’ve known and spoken to for years. And literally anyone who has ever left a kind comment, or a like, or a reblog (and wasn’t a creep). This platform has transformed my life, and gotten me through a whole lot. More positive than negative has come from it, I think. I’ve developed an identity that has been problematic at times, but ultimately I wouldn’t change one bit. Because it’s gotten me here.
I’m just going to see what happens—I’m going to do this for myself, and see what happens. I think I’ll surprise myself and be fine. But this is a step towards living the lifestyle I want to live, that the people I admire most live. I’ve given my heart and soul and mind to this thing. I’m going to take them back for a while.
Until next time, with much love,
- Liz.xx
Update:
The world is quieter somehow.
I can’t describe it—but the support, the sheer volume of it on and offline, has humbled me beyond belief.
Thank you all for your kindness. I’m going to continue taking this break. Love you all.
So.
lizthefangirl:
I’ve had a good, long think about some things in my life, particularly how integral this blog has been to it for the past five years—and have finally come to understand what I’ve been running from for a while now:
I’m very dependent on it—too dependent on it.
When I say that, I mean all of the fandoms therein, the humor, the [often uhhh slightly biased] discourse… I can’t recall ever going over a week without engaging in my blog for five and-a-half years now. And I’m starting to get curious as to just how much time I’ve wasted, how much negativity I’ve been exposed to, how many addictions have been reinforced—and what exactly would happen if I gave that up for a bit.
In religious terms, it’s “fasting.” And I am religious. It’s something I very rarely directly discuss on here. In the past two years of college, I’ve gone from calling myself a Christian to actually investigating theology, having an incredible, unexpected, unconditionally loving family in Christ—and overall, having to face some really tough things about the way I’ve lived, and how unhealthy some of it was.
It’s so challenging, especially as an artist, to participate in a community where unbelief is sometimes still spiritual, where everything is questioned (which is actually a very good thing), where it’s often quite literally all about sex and money and yes—drugs and everything else. And where it’s essentially not quite normal to be what I’m trying to be. Yet, it’s not that I’ve met any hostility—seriously, people have been far more accepting then I anticipated. I’m determined to be loving in spite of it, to believe in the Gospel in spite of all of the flack people give it (to put it lightly), while still acknowledging the very human faults of many branches of the faith and doing my best to renounce them, and live a better way,
It’s still devastatingly difficult to constantly be surrounded by these groups of people though, though—even if it is a reflection of a lot of the world. But art is the industry I’ve always strived to be in, the skill I’ve been passionate about my whole life. I’m determined to come out of it successful and resilient in my faith—and maybe even earn respect in the process. I’m still learning, and being exposed to the world. It’s been a wild ride, certain to get wilder.
This kind of parallels the world of Tumblr. I follow a lot of people (they stack up over five years), and discourse that didn’t bother me years ago leaves me uncomfortable now. Things I used to indulge in that developed into a very personal, internalized addiction (which I’ve since finally sought some help for in trusted friends and mentors).
For a platform on which I’ve always thought I was being myself, I realize that I was being a version of myself that was, frankly, engulfed in sin. And that language makes me cringe a little bit, it really does. Because the negativity that has been associated to Christianity is something that weighs on me every single day, and I get it—you don’t know how much I get it. I have spent the past two years being a fish out of water, being the one who accidentally cusses during service (quite frequently), who cuts up. And I’ve questioned everything, I still do. But… it’s standing up to it. This God, this theology, these beliefs—nothing has managed to crack against my questions and doubts yet. And I’ve seen change, felt it. I travelled to another country and felt it more intensely then I ever have in America.
In the past couple years, I’ve separated from some of my closest friends—including my best friend of seven years. The principle reason was our divergent lifestyles. I have been shockingly better off since then.
If I can do that in my everyday life—with people I know and love—why is it so hard to do it to people I have never remotely known?
Why does that follower count matter to me so much? Why does pre-meditating everything I post, analyzing notes, seeking personal replies—why is that more important to me than doing my work? Forming relationships?
It’s a big, big question that I simply don’t know the answer to (okay, the answer is “because my ego” but i don’t wanna admit that so). But I’m asking it—and for once, that’s not all I’m doing.
I’m not happy on here anymore, not really. Like yes, I love these stories I’m so invested in. So much! And I’m not ashamed of that, or of anyone else who does. Even though some have… well, had negative effects. Do I have to go there? Read between the lines, y’all.
It’s just that everything I post—even my artwork—becomes a need for response, for validation. That’s what those notes are. They’re fleeting acknowledgement, and I feed on it. Creating fan art is a privilege—visually rendering the stories I read is a joy, and sharing it makes me so happy! But I have my own stories, too. And right now—I think I want to do something with that.
I’m just tired of constantly monitoring the numbers. I’m tired of encountering things that I don’t want to encounter every time I scroll down my dash. It’s going to be hard to separate myself from it—but I have to try.
As of right now, I’m going for 21 days. 21 days of not posting. Not reblogging. 21 days of not thirsting for notes. 21 days of getting ready to go back to college and eventually doing so, and seeing what else is out there besides this.
I do love you guys—the ones I’ve known and spoken to for years. And literally anyone who has ever left a kind comment, or a like, or a reblog (and wasn’t a creep). This platform has transformed my life, and gotten me through a whole lot. More positive than negative has come from it, I think. I’ve developed an identity that has been problematic at times, but ultimately I wouldn’t change one bit. Because it’s gotten me here.
I’m just going to see what happens—I’m going to do this for myself, and see what happens. I think I’ll surprise myself and be fine. But this is a step towards living the lifestyle I want to live, that the people I admire most live. I’ve given my heart and soul and mind to this thing. I’m going to take them back for a while.
Until next time, with much love,
- Liz.xx
So.
lizthefangirl:
I’ve had a good, long think about some things in my life, particularly how integral this blog has been to it for the past five years—and have finally come to understand what I’ve been running from for a while now:
I’m very dependent on it—too dependent on it.
When I say that, I mean all of the fandoms therein, the humor, the [often uhhh slightly biased] discourse… I can’t recall ever going over a week without engaging in my blog for five and-a-half years now. And I’m starting to get curious as to just how much time I’ve wasted, how much negativity I’ve been exposed to, how many addictions have been reinforced—and what exactly would happen if I gave that up for a bit.
In religious terms, it’s “fasting.” And I am religious. It’s something I very rarely directly discuss on here. In the past two years of college, I’ve gone from calling myself a Christian to actually investigating theology, having an incredible, unexpected, unconditionally loving family in Christ—and overall, having to face some really tough things about the way I’ve lived, and how unhealthy some of it was.
It’s so challenging, especially as an artist, to participate in a community where unbelief is sometimes still spiritual, where everything is questioned (which is actually a very good thing), where it’s often quite literally all about sex and money and yes—drugs and everything else. And where it’s essentially not quite normal to be what I’m trying to be. Yet, it’s not that I’ve met any hostility—seriously, people have been far more accepting then I anticipated. I’m determined to be loving in spite of it, to believe in the Gospel in spite of all of the flack people give it (to put it lightly), while still acknowledging the very human faults of many branches of the faith and doing my best to renounce them, and live a better way,
It’s still devastatingly difficult to constantly be surrounded by these groups of people though, though—even if it is a reflection of a lot of the world. But art is the industry I’ve always strived to be in, the skill I’ve been passionate about my whole life. I’m determined to come out of it successful and resilient in my faith—and maybe even earn respect in the process. I’m still learning, and being exposed to the world. It’s been a wild ride, certain to get wilder.
This kind of parallels the world of Tumblr. I follow a lot of people (they stack up over five years), and discourse that didn’t bother me years ago leaves me uncomfortable now. Things I used to indulge in that developed into a very personal, internalized addiction (which I’ve since finally sought some help for in trusted friends and mentors).
For a platform on which I’ve always thought I was being myself, I realize that I was being a version of myself that was, frankly, engulfed in sin. And that language makes me cringe a little bit, it really does. Because the negativity that has been associated to Christianity is something that weighs on me every single day, and I get it—you don’t know how much I get it. I have spent the past two years being a fish out of water, being the one who accidentally cusses during service (quite frequently), who cuts up. And I’ve questioned everything, I still do. But… it’s standing up to it. This God, this theology, these beliefs—nothing has managed to crack against my questions and doubts yet. And I’ve seen change, felt it. I travelled to another country and felt it more intensely then I ever have in America.
In the past couple years, I’ve separated from some of my closest friends—including my best friend of seven years. The principle reason was our divergent lifestyles. I have been shockingly better off since then.
If I can do that in my everyday life—with people I know and love—why is it so hard to do it to people I have never remotely known?
Why does that follower count matter to me so much? Why does pre-meditating everything I post, analyzing notes, seeking personal replies—why is that more important to me than doing my work? Forming relationships?
It’s a big, big question that I simply don’t know the answer to (okay, the answer is “because my ego” but i don’t wanna admit that so). But I’m asking it—and for once, that’s not all I’m doing.
I’m not happy on here anymore, not really. Like yes, I love these stories I’m so invested in. So much! And I’m not ashamed of that, or of anyone else who does. Even though some have… well, had negative effects. Do I have to go there? Read between the lines, y’all.
It’s just that everything I post—even my artwork—becomes a need for response, for validation. That’s what those notes are. They’re fleeting acknowledgement, and I feed on it. Creating fan art is a privilege—visually rendering the stories I read is a joy, and sharing it makes me so happy! But I have my own stories, too. And right now—I think I want to do something with that.
I’m just tired of constantly monitoring the numbers. I’m tired of encountering things that I don’t want to encounter every time I scroll down my dash. It’s going to be hard to separate myself from it—but I have to try.
As of right now, I’m going for 21 days. 21 days of not posting. Not reblogging. 21 days of not thirsting for notes. 21 days of getting ready to go back to college and eventually doing so, and seeing what else is out there besides this.
I do love you guys—the ones I’ve known and spoken to for years. And literally anyone who has ever left a kind comment, or a like, or a reblog (and wasn’t a creep). This platform has transformed my life, and gotten me through a whole lot. More positive than negative has come from it, I think. I’ve developed an identity that has been problematic at times, but ultimately I wouldn’t change one bit. Because it’s gotten me here.
I’m just going to see what happens—I’m going to do this for myself, and see what happens. I think I’ll surprise myself and be fine. But this is a step towards living the lifestyle I want to live, that the people I admire most live. I’ve given my heart and soul and mind to this thing. I’m going to take them back for a while.
Until next time, with much love,
- Liz.xx
So.
I’ve had a good, long think about some things in my life, particularly how integral this blog has been to it for the past five years—and have finally come to understand what I’ve been running from for a while now:
I’m very dependent on it—too dependent on it.
When I say that, I mean all of the fandoms therein, the humor, the [often uhhh slightly biased] discourse… I can’t recall ever going over a week without engaging in my blog for five and-a-half years now. And I’m starting to get curious as to just how much time I’ve wasted, how much negativity I’ve been exposed to, how many addictions have been reinforced—and what exactly would happen if I gave that up for a bit.
In religious terms, it’s “fasting.” And I am religious. It’s something I very rarely directly discuss on here. In the past two years of college, I’ve gone from calling myself a Christian to actually investigating theology, having an incredible, unexpected, unconditionally loving family in Christ—and overall, having to face some really tough things about the way I’ve lived, and how unhealthy some of it was.
It’s so challenging, especially as an artist, to participate in a community where unbelief is sometimes still spiritual, where everything is questioned (which is actually a very good thing), where it’s often quite literally all about sex and money and yes—drugs and everything else. And where it’s essentially not quite normal to be what I’m trying to be. Yet, it’s not that I’ve met any hostility—seriously, people have been far more accepting then I anticipated. I’m determined to be loving in spite of it, to believe in the Gospel in spite of all of the flack people give it (to put it lightly), while still acknowledging the very human faults of many branches of the faith and doing my best to renounce them, and live a better way,
It’s still devastatingly difficult to constantly be surrounded by these groups of people though, though—even if it is a reflection of a lot of the world. But art is the industry I’ve always strived to be in, the skill I’ve been passionate about my whole life. I’m determined to come out of it successful and resilient in my faith—and maybe even earn respect in the process. I’m still learning, and being exposed to the world. It’s been a wild ride, certain to get wilder.
This kind of parallels the world of Tumblr. I follow a lot of people (they stack up over five years), and discourse that didn’t bother me years ago leaves me uncomfortable now. Things I used to indulge in that developed into a very personal, internalized addiction (which I’ve since finally sought some help for in trusted friends and mentors).
For a platform on which I’ve always thought I was being myself, I realize that I was being a version of myself that was, frankly, engulfed in sin. And that language makes me cringe a little bit, it really does. Because the negativity that has been associated to Christianity is something that weighs on me every single day, and I get it—you don’t know how much I get it. I have spent the past two years being a fish out of water, being the one who accidentally cusses during service (quite frequently), who cuts up. And I’ve questioned everything, I still do. But… it’s standing up to it. This God, this theology, these beliefs—nothing has managed to crack against my questions and doubts yet. And I’ve seen change, felt it. I travelled to another country and felt it more intensely then I ever have in America.
In the past couple years, I’ve separated from some of my closest friends—including my best friend of seven years. The principle reason was our divergent lifestyles. I have been shockingly better off since then.
If I can do that in my everyday life—with people I know and love—why is it so hard to do it to people I have never remotely known?
Why does that follower count matter to me so much? Why does pre-meditating everything I post, analyzing notes, seeking personal replies—why is that more important to me than doing my work? Forming relationships?
It’s a big, big question that I simply don’t know the answer to (okay, the answer is “because my ego” but i don’t wanna admit that so). But I’m asking it—and for once, that’s not all I’m doing.
I’m not happy on here anymore, not really. Like yes, I love these stories I’m so invested in. So much! And I’m not ashamed of that, or of anyone else who does. Even though some have… well, had negative effects. Do I have to go there? Read between the lines, y’all.
It’s just that everything I post—even my artwork—becomes a need for response, for validation. That’s what those notes are. They’re fleeting acknowledgement, and I feed on it. Creating fan art is a privilege—visually rendering the stories I read is a joy, and sharing it makes me so happy! But I have my own stories, too. And right now—I think I want to do something with that.
I’m just tired of constantly monitoring the numbers. I’m tired of encountering things that I don’t want to encounter every time I scroll down my dash. It’s going to be hard to separate myself from it—but I have to try.
As of right now, I’m going for 21 days. 21 days of not posting. Not reblogging. 21 days of not thirsting for notes. 21 days of getting ready to go back to college and eventually doing so, and seeing what else is out there besides this.
I do love you guys—the ones I’ve known and spoken to for years. And literally anyone who has ever left a kind comment, or a like, or a reblog (and wasn’t a creep). This platform has transformed my life, and gotten me through a whole lot. More positive than negative has come from it, I think. I’ve developed an identity that has been problematic at times, but ultimately I wouldn’t change one bit. Because it’s gotten me here.
I’m just going to see what happens—I’m going to do this for myself, and see what happens. I think I’ll surprise myself and be fine. But this is a step towards living the lifestyle I want to live, that the people I admire most live. I’ve given my heart and soul and mind to this thing. I’m going to take them back for a while.
Until next time, with much love,
- Liz.xx
Anonymous
